By Lara Barge, Mar 29 2016 11:10PM
Beyond right and wrong ~ how learning to understand each other can open your hearts and break the power struggle.
Most people are locked into the “right and wrong game”, which then gets magnified and played out in relationships.
The "I’m right, you're wrong, and I will prove it" game, sets up a power struggle where you have to defend yourselves against each other and it just ends up pushing you apart.
It is important to remember that if you are in a RELATIONSHIP, you are part of the same TEAM! So you have to work together! Not against each other!
When you are locked into being right and the other being wrong, it stops you from being able to understand each other and understand the deeper truth of what each of you are really feeling and what the underlying truth of the situation is.
Even if you start off being willing to understand your partner, if they are fixed on being right you will most likely lose your capacity and willingness to understand them. And likewise if you are stubborn in the fact you are right they will automatically go into defence and not be able to hear what is happening for you and the truth of what you are needing to express.
If someone comes at you trying to prove that they are right, how do you feel?
Do you instantly feel they are trying to prove you are wrong?
It is a natural response to go into defence. In another moment, if what they are trying to express was communicated in a different way, you might be able to hear and understand them. It is much easier to believe the truth of what someone is saying if it is just a sharing rather then them trying to prove they are right.
However when someone is being fixed in defending themselves and proving they are right, then in that moment the other can't even begin to understand them. Their whole system has most likely gone into defence to make sure that they don’t get made wrong. And so it spirals.
Any disagreement is an opportunity to get to know each other better, to understand what makes each of you tick the way you do.
And these are great opportunities to bring you closer together NOT further apart.
You have to choose to put the health of your relationship, (the happiness of both of you), before your need to be right. This does not mean compromise!
Someone else being right does not have to mean you are wrong, or vice versa.
When we understand the other side it can instantly relieve us of the resentment that may have built up. This doesn’t mean you aren’t justified to feel what you feel it just means there is an opportunity to move into a different place. When we start understand each other it allows an opening that can bring us closer together.
At the end of the day that is what we want; to feel close together and that we are part of something, that we matter, and that we are loved. Well that is what I believe for myself and what I hear from my clients.
I believe that relationships, (not just the romantic ones but all of them, from family to work), can be completely transformed with small yet effective tweaks.
A simple commitment to not play the right and wrong game, and to prioritise understanding each other and why each of you feels the way you do, in itself can have a snowball effect.
If you can master not getting caught in that “Right/Wrong” game you will find you stop arguing so much, and that disagreeing can be an interesting experience of learning more about each other.
This is a simple tweak and at the same time it might be hard. It can be a challenge to instantly change after years of it being an automatic response. It can take some time to rewrite the script and create new neuropathways.
If you slip up and find yourself back in that game, then just start by catching yourself. Notice what has happened and give voice to it. Acknowledge it. Say “we’re playing the game, and I don’t want to do that, I really want us to both understand each other, I want to understand what is happening for you.”
See if you can step out of the game. Don’t be hard on yourselves if you find you continue to slip back. It takes time and experience and commitment from both sides.
Sometimes you may need a third party to help you see things from the other side. Someone who can step back, out of the situation, and support both of you.
“Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” ~ Rumi.