~ Looking after the soul of your relationship through doing what you love ~
By Lara Barge, Dec 7 2015 08:02PM
The other day I was thinking about how if I haven’t been dancing and singing enough I generally start to feel less connected to myself and my joy.
This sparked my memory of a piece I read about shamans and ancient healers that I felt, really importantly, needs to be applied to relationships too.
“In many shamanic societies, if you came to a shaman or medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions.
When did you stop dancing?
When did you stop singing?
When did you stop being enchanted by stories?
When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence?
When we have stopped dancing, singing, being enchanted by stories, or finding comfort in silence is when we have experienced the loss of soul.
Dancing, singing, storytelling, and silence are the four universal healing salves.”
From ~ The Four-Fold Way: Walking the Paths of the Warrior, Healer, Teacher and Visionary
Similarly, when a couple is struggling I believe that they should be asking themselves if they are still doing the things they love.
Are you nourishing yourself? It is essential to keep your soul alive with what you love.
Often we enter relationships feeling full and alive, and then over months or years we start to fade. In those times it is easy to starting blaming or resenting our relationship, partner, or the family we have created, for the loss of our joy and passion.
For sure, there are times where there may be a possessive partner and this can make it hard and scary to step out into the world and continue doing what we love.
It can be scary to reclaim our past passions through fear of hurting our partner.
More often then not, it is the slide into codependence and our own fears hidden away in the background that stop us.
Those quiet fears hold us back from doing the things we love and that would most serve us. It is important to really check in around your fears.
So often there are unspoken fears holding us back, when in truth our partners may feel uncomfortable about things but would never want to hold us back.
*It may be a fear of your partner not approving, or feeling jealous.
*Or maybe that you want to share those activities with your partner but they aren’t interested.
*That any time that you have, you want to spend it with your partner or family.
*Perhaps you feel guilty for spending time doing things for yourself, when there is so much that needs to be done - looking after the house, the kids, your partner, and work, you don’t feel justified in taking that time for you.
I can guarantee that taking time for yourself, (doing the things you love, spending time with your friends that make you laugh), is essential to keeping your relationship alive and joyful.
The more full we are the more we are able to be there and present for our partners and family, without building up resentment.
So often I see people who give everything and then don’t have anything left. They burn themselves out to collapse, or build up so much resentment that their relationship becomes suffocating. In both of these cases the individual always has the choice to change the situation and turn it around to be a happier and healthier one.
It is very easy to get locked into personal beliefs and attachments to the resentment that has built up, and the need to be needed. This can make it hard to see that there is another way and that change is possible.
I cannot express enough the importance of turning things around as early as possible. If you feel you don’t have anything left in you, or that you are building up huge amounts of anger and resentment for how much you do for your relationship or family - start doing things for yourself NOW!!! Don’t do it out of resentment, do it out of love and respect for yourself and your relationship.
However much stuff it brings up for you, however impossible it may seem, make a commitment to yourself right now.
I see so many relationships end because they leave it too late. If you are noticing you need to look after yourself then dont wait! Look agfter yourself to look after your relationship.
Often people are scared that changing will rock the boat of the relationship. But if the boat isn’t sailing very well then take a risk and start doing new things that could help the ship sail again!!!
And how amazing, that by doing good things for ourselves we can transform our relationship!
Top of the list for me is spending time with my close friends who make me laugh and make me come alive again when my inner light has started to dim.
Then I can come back to my relationship full and alive. Whenever I do this I come home and instantly witness the inner light of my partner spark back to life.
He gets very stuck in work mode and I watch his inner light dim a lot. And I LOVE it when he manages to untangle himself and take time to connect with friends and have fun - a rare event, but it always nourishes our relationship when he does.
You can’t force your partner to look after themselves, however much you see that they need it, but you can look after yourself.
So whatever it is that you love, get out there and reconnect with your joy and your passion.
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