Breaking the resentment cycle
By Lara Barge, Dec 24 2015 01:00PM
If you are deep in the resentment cycle then accessing a level of open hearted communication may not be possible.
The more we resent the more we focus on all the things we resent and the pile of resentment gets bigger and bigger. As the resentments grow our capacity to see anything outside of resentment weakens.
It is important to find the space to clear the build up of resentment. When expressed clearly and with the right support you can find your self moving form a place of contraction or reaction to open hearted connection.
As well as finding a way to clear the build it is also important to focus on the good things. Pay attention to the small things that your partner does or says that you can appreciate.
For example; if they are the one that takes the rubbish out every week then use it as an opportunity to acknowledge them.
“Thank you for doing the rubbish. I really appreciate it. Even if I don’t express it I want you to know I am grateful that you do it . The fact you’ve done it every week for the past 5 years makes me feel how much I can depend on you. No matter what’s happening you always make sure it goes out. And that’s amazing. It makes me feel taken care of and I know I can rely on you.”
Obviously don’t use my words, find your own. And most likely if you are really deep in resentment then expressing appreciation as open hearted as the above would probably not feel authentic. Find what you are able to express. Don’t pretend to appreciate something, as the appreciation won’t be fully received if it is not authentic. Take little steps, even if it is just saying thank you for something you normally take for granted.
Even being able to say thank you and that your aware things are feeling tight between you so it feels harder to expresser appreciation but you do appreciate what ever it is.
Every little acknowledgment helps rebuild intimacy.
You can take pretty much any little or big thing and turn it into a heart opening appreciation.
This is particularly important with the small regular things like; putting out the rubbish, sorting the recycling, doing the washing up, doing the laundry, buying the food, paying the bills and so on. These can be incredibly important things to acknowledge and appreciate, even though they are so simple and are often major resentment triggers in relationships.
These are the ones that without acknowledgement build up over time and create resentments and a feeling of being taken for granted. Keep an eye out for them as it is so easy for them to slip by unnoticed.
Also remember the less practical things like being there when you fall apart in their arms crying.
So get thanking right away. However long you have been together, it is never too soon or too late to bring in a big does of appreciation. It can transform a long term relationship, and lay down a beautiful foundation for a new one.